if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
