Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
