I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
