Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
