Umm I'm too high to move.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
