That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
