my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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