the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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