I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
