just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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