I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
