we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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