last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
