Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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