I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my shit smells like andre
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
