What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
