nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
