You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize