tonight lets celebrate not being married
She just used a chaser for red wine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
