i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
