im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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