Me too!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They took my balls.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
