Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
