There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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