She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
