btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
