So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
