Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
