I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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