did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize