I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
