I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
