I think I won the penis lottery.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
