in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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