Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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