First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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