I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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