Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
