I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
