You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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