Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize