were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
