so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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