Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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