Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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