Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
