i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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