theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
