I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
