Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
