If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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