Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
