Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
