i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
