I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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