a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
