he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
