I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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