Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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